For battered Filipina women nothing could be easier than walking out that door. That momentary decision somehow sounds simple in the brink of anger or danger but the abused woman actually goes through a process of leaving that can be obscured at every stage by vague uncertainty.
When a Pinay disengages from a relationship, she is often uncertain about her family's relative status. Is he finally out of her life? He may be physically at home but psychologically out of stock. He doesn’t seem to care for her nor the kids anymore. She may have physically renounced him but they are still psychologically attached. She misses him, and for the sake of the kids, she would like her family to be whole again.
We could see this struggle clearly on how Filipino women view the family situations at different stages in the course of leaving. It's confusing and the stage continuum is ambiguous. It's parallel to the experience of having a child depart for college. Your child is no longer with you at home, but you're still very conne
cted to him/her emotionally. Yet, when he/she comes home for visits, he/she may ignore you while he/she gives special attention to friends.
It's often difficult to comprehend what the new boundaries are on such transitions in life. Abused women from diverse backgrounds recognize ambiguity within the different stages of the leaving process.
First, women start to disengage emotionally from their affairs. They construe their little indifference as a beginning of not caring for him anymore.
That is followed by the usual occurrence of abusive incidents and apparent consequences of the hostilities on their children. Women prepare to leave, such as looking for a place to stay or surreptitiously saving up money. This stage is significant for women as they switch from thinking about leaving to really doing something about it.
The next is when women take action; we see a lot of what we call back-and-forth actions because when women leave, the emotions often rush back. This necessitates clarity. Women fancy for physical and emotional connection again.
The last part of the process which is maintenance can be achieved when women have been gone for six months or more. But even then, they may have boundary ambiguity if their ex-spouse won't let them go. With continued contact through court-ordered child visitation, the prospect for continuing abuse stays as well as sustained confusion over the abuser's role in the woman's life.
Truly, leaving a relationship is much more complex than just deciding to transform herself, and it involves more than a woman's prioritizing her well-being. Other factors are drawn in. The abuser makes decisions that affect a woman's movement through the whole process. And children can be a dominant influence in encouraging a woman to get out of a relationship and in pulling her back in.
It's important for social work professionals and frustrated family and friends to understand the process of leaving. Often shelter workers focus on safety and tangible needs such as a job and housing. They don't help women disentangle themselves emotionally. But it's hard for women to get out of the situation if they haven't resolved these relationship issues.
Discouraged friends and family members have to learn to view leaving as a process and realize that there's little they can say to speed it along. It's important for them to reinforce the risks the woman is facing by asking such questions as 'Has he become more abusive? Does he have a gun?' When talking to an abused friend or family member, you should always emphasize safety, but for your own sanity, you should realize that leaving is a process and she has to work her way through it herself.
When women do finally achieve both physical and emotional separation, research shows that they experience fewer health problems and less depression.
When a Pinay disengages from a relationship, she is often uncertain about her family's relative status. Is he finally out of her life? He may be physically at home but psychologically out of stock. He doesn’t seem to care for her nor the kids anymore. She may have physically renounced him but they are still psychologically attached. She misses him, and for the sake of the kids, she would like her family to be whole again.
We could see this struggle clearly on how Filipino women view the family situations at different stages in the course of leaving. It's confusing and the stage continuum is ambiguous. It's parallel to the experience of having a child depart for college. Your child is no longer with you at home, but you're still very conne
cted to him/her emotionally. Yet, when he/she comes home for visits, he/she may ignore you while he/she gives special attention to friends.It's often difficult to comprehend what the new boundaries are on such transitions in life. Abused women from diverse backgrounds recognize ambiguity within the different stages of the leaving process.
First, women start to disengage emotionally from their affairs. They construe their little indifference as a beginning of not caring for him anymore.
That is followed by the usual occurrence of abusive incidents and apparent consequences of the hostilities on their children. Women prepare to leave, such as looking for a place to stay or surreptitiously saving up money. This stage is significant for women as they switch from thinking about leaving to really doing something about it.
The next is when women take action; we see a lot of what we call back-and-forth actions because when women leave, the emotions often rush back. This necessitates clarity. Women fancy for physical and emotional connection again.
The last part of the process which is maintenance can be achieved when women have been gone for six months or more. But even then, they may have boundary ambiguity if their ex-spouse won't let them go. With continued contact through court-ordered child visitation, the prospect for continuing abuse stays as well as sustained confusion over the abuser's role in the woman's life.
Truly, leaving a relationship is much more complex than just deciding to transform herself, and it involves more than a woman's prioritizing her well-being. Other factors are drawn in. The abuser makes decisions that affect a woman's movement through the whole process. And children can be a dominant influence in encouraging a woman to get out of a relationship and in pulling her back in.
It's important for social work professionals and frustrated family and friends to understand the process of leaving. Often shelter workers focus on safety and tangible needs such as a job and housing. They don't help women disentangle themselves emotionally. But it's hard for women to get out of the situation if they haven't resolved these relationship issues.
Discouraged friends and family members have to learn to view leaving as a process and realize that there's little they can say to speed it along. It's important for them to reinforce the risks the woman is facing by asking such questions as 'Has he become more abusive? Does he have a gun?' When talking to an abused friend or family member, you should always emphasize safety, but for your own sanity, you should realize that leaving is a process and she has to work her way through it herself.
When women do finally achieve both physical and emotional separation, research shows that they experience fewer health problems and less depression.
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